Spratt Says: Signs you’ve been single for too long…

Spratt SaysHaving been single now for the better part of a year, it’s safe to say I’ve started to get comfortable.

And, while being single certainly has its benefits, like being able to dodge the  mood swings and nagging while making the most of the free time to do whatever the hell you like, it does have drawbacks.

You start to adjust to your single status, and like a job applicant with gaps in their CV, red flags are raised when you finally put yourself back on the market.

Here are five signs you’ve been single too long:

1 . You’ve exhausted all available options on Netflix: Your Saturday nights consist of Pringles, multipacks of dip from Waitrose and episodes of Pokemon and Prison Break in the comfort of your bedroom, instead of going out and actually socialising.

2. Your standards in women plummet: When you actually do go out and socialise, you drink so much you wake up with a dodgy nightclub stamp that requires battery acid to remove, and shame. Slightly overweight shame.

3. Your friends begin to take pity on you: Every one of your coupled up friends begin to either set you up on a blind date (“She’s perfect for you. Honest”) or they invite you on their own dates/double dates, leaving you to sit at the end of the table like the lonely 3rd/5th wheel that you are.

4. Going to a wedding is a soul destroying experience: Spending hundreds of pounds on travel, a new suit and a gift… Netflix, Pringles and dip are all available for under a tenner.

5. You get a cat:  “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.” At some point you’ll buy a pet to love you back, be it a cat, dog or goldfish, but before you go running into a pet shop, know one thing… girls think men who have a cats are weird.

 

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Amen*

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Spratt Says: Wife Material

Spratt SaysAs I reach my mid-twenties it was inevitable that some of my closest friends would eventually grow up long before me; buy a house, have a baby, get married etc. and while I’m over the moon for these friends – despite cutting the best years of their lives short – on a personal level I could never take such a big leap so soon.

I have no intention, at least for the time being, to ever get married but due to the actions of some of the aforementioned friends it got me thinking about what sort of woman it would take to change my mind.

What would I consider the perfect wife material?

As easy as it would be to make a typically sexist “whoever makes a good sandwich” joke right now, I’d like to think I’m better than that, so I’ve put some thought in to it.

Back in 2010 scientists claimed to have found a mathematical formula for the perfect wife, which in a nutshell concluded that a bride should be five years younger than the groom, share the same cultural background and be the more the intelligent of the pair if a marriage is to succeed.

Now with the exception of intelligence, I’ve seen all of the above most mornings on Jeremy Kyle and it’s hard to believe they’re destined to live happily ever after despite the best efforts of Jezza and Graham, so I came to my own conclusion and that is that this survey is utter trollop.

The perfect wife I’d assume should be no different to what a woman would regard as the perfect husband. Marriage is essentially teamwork and therefore both man and wife should have a similar level of intelligence, same interests, equally domesticated and so on.

I don’t think it’s that complicated but it’s not something that is likely to ever interest me, although I understand why some do but who knows, maybe one day I’ll make a woman very happy… and probably miserable the rest of the time.

 

Spratt Says: The Bucket List

Spratt SaysAs I begin to approach the quarter of a century mark of my lifetime I’ve begun to panic that I’ve done nothing with my life, and it got me thinking;

What can I still do before I’m 30?

So I’ve compiled a bucket list of things that I feel I need to do in the next five or so years:

 

 

1. Travel the world

Travel the world

An obvious one really, especially as I rarely venture out of Buxton, let alone the country.

2. Get a career

Career

I have a degree in journalism and I work in a newsagents. The definition of irony.

3. Grow a beard

Grow a beard

Every man should grow a beard at least once. I’ve made many valiant attempts but I want a beard that the cast of Game of Thrones would be proud of.

4. Read every book I own

Read every book I own

I have thousands, most of which I’ve never opened.

5. Get a tattoo

Get a tattoo

Not having a tattoo in 2014 is like having a tattoo in the 1930s. Weird.

6. Buy a house

Buy a house

My own house. Preferably like something from an episode of Cribs.

7. Kill a man

Swim with dolphins

…just kidding, swim with dolphins.

8. Get a blue tick on Twitter and my own Wikipedia page

Get verifiedI’m not sure how yet but I will!

9. Learn to drive

Learn to drive

Always wanted a car but could never a Ford one.

10. Stop making bad puns

Stop making bad punsSorry…

Spratt Says: Single vs. Relationship

Spratt SaysYou know that feeling? When you’re single you want to be in a relationship and when you’re in a relationship you want to be single.

But which is better?

I’ve decided to assemble a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship to see if I can come up with a definitive answer.

 

Relationship pros:

  • Extra birthday presents
  • Extra Christmas presents
  • Parents stop pestering you about “finding a nice girl”
  • No pressure to pull on a night out
  • Split the costs of meals

Relationship cons:

  • Having to buy extra birthday presents
  • Having to buy extra Christmas presents
  • Valentine’s Day
  • Confined from seeing your friends whenever you want
  • Can’t pull on nights out anymore
  • Less space and duvet cover in bed
  • Parents start pestering about marriage and children
  • Double dates

I really struggled to come up with the pros of a relationship and judging by this list it’s clear to see that I’m happy being single – but these are just my opinions.

Some of you probably enjoy spending time with that special someone on Valentine’s Day, and enjoy cuddles with no bed cover, a dead arm and a face full of hair.

Maybe I’m just a narcissist, maybe it’s because I’m still young but in my opinion there’s just too much pressure on us to find that special someone and end up rushing in to meaningless relationships that move too fast.

The female perspective: Can men and women ever be just friends?

Spratt Says recently threw down the male gauntlet on the million dollar question – can men and women ever be just friends?

Although I cannot and would not attempt to say that my opinion speaks for the whole of womankind, I can give my sole, female perspective.

So, can men and women ever be just friends?

Unfortunately it would seem not. But it’s not as clear-cut as that – I think there are at least five types of male/female friendships:

1. The ‘unrequited love’ – two friends of the opposite sex who spend most of the time together and get on like a house on fire. They’ve probably known each other for a long time, but one of them harbours feelings for the other that are unknown (and always will be) and unreciprocated (more than likely) – think Dawson’s Creek/Pretty in Pink. Nothing can crack this friendship, until one of them gets a significant other that isn’t the friend.

2. The ‘never in the sober light of day’ – not really best friends, but friends nonetheless. This is usually a straight-forward, logical friendship where blunt advice is given, arguments can be had, but they’ve always got each others’ backs. There’s no physical attraction whatsoever even though they get on and know each other pretty well – until they both get absolutely smashed one night and the thought makes a fleeting appearance.

Can men and women be friends

3. The ‘flanter friendship’ – this friendship is based on ‘flanter’ – flirty banter. There’s an attraction and a LOT of flirting with severe immoral undertones, but it’s harmless. They wouldn’t, in theory, turn down the opportunity to have one night of no-strings sex, but in reality, the idea of it rather than the actual doing it is preferred. The flanter friendship, if maintained, can become a solid friendship – but the flirting will always be present.

4. The ‘should be something more’ – the worst of the male/female friendships. These two get on brilliantly, spend time together and joke about taking their friendship to the next level. Others will tell them they are perfect for each other, but the friendship is comfortable as it is. Until it’s not and something happens. Think Some Kind of Wonderful with a 50-50 on the ending – something happens and it’s great, or something happens and it was the biggest mistake ever made.

5. The ‘soulmates’ – the slow-burner of opposite sex friendships. They start out as either each other’s crush or initially dislike each other. They become friends and said friendship blossoms into a BFF situation before they realise they are, in fact, a perfect match – your When Harry Met Sally if you will. Marriage, babies and happily ever after all round.

Although this doesn’t exactly give a definitive answer to the question, to me, men and women can be friends, but never ‘just friends’ – there will always be feelings or thoughts or flirting.

What I do know, is that once you and your friend cross that line, you can never go back. So before you do, make sure it’s worth the risk, because nothing is worse than losing and missing your friend.

– love Stef x

Spratt Says: Can men and women ever be just friends?

Spratt SaysCan men and women ever be just friends? Such a topic was recently discussed on Loose Women (only thing on at the time, honest) and the panel were mixed on their answers.

It’s a tough question, and like Carol Vorderman and co found out, it’s hard to come up with a definitive answer.

However, sorry to be the bearer of bad news ladies, but most boys and girls can’t be ‘just friends’.

You know that one male friend you have? The shoulder you cry on when times are tough, the one who you think has no sexual interest in you whatsoever? Well he is a liar, and he has thought about being more than just friends. A lot.

How do I know? Because I’m a man and we’re all the same.

There’s a reason When Harry Met Sally is the best rom-com ever, and that’s because it’s the only one that is even slightly accurate.

Harry was adamant that men and women can’t be just friends because sex is too big an obstacle, Sally was adamant he was wrong.

Well… turns out Harry was right.

I did some research on the matter to back-up my opinion and right away I found a recent survey conducted by the University of Wisconsin.

It asked 88 sets of young male and female friends to rate their attraction to one another – it found that men were more likely to be attracted to female friends than the other way round.

It pretty much means that given half a chance, men would jump at the opportunity to have sex with their female friends. 

This is, however, entirely from a man’s perspective – I have no idea what a woman’s view is on the issue, but I’ve been to that place that can only be referred to as hell on Earth – ‘the friend zone’ – enough times to establish that girls do know how to distance themselves from anything more than friendship if need be.

Men are the problem here.

Unfortunately, we don’t always think with our heads and usually follow another part of our anatomy more often than not – and for that I can only apologise.

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the female perspective on whether men and women can ever be just friends here*

Spratt Says: Valentine’s Day – urgh

kieran sprattI hate Valentine’s Day and there are so very many reasons why:

I hate it because – and to use the old cliché – it’s commercialised rubbish. I’m pretty sure this day was only invented to keep Card Warehouse in business between Christmas and Mother’s Day.

I hate the couples on Valentine’s Day who litter my Facebook news feed with “I have the best boyfriend/girlfriend in the world because he bought me a selection box from Thorntons.”

I hate desperate, single people on Valentine’s Day, who keep bringing up the fact that “they’re all alone again this year”. Do me a favour – go down to Morrisons, buy the biggest tub of Ben and Jerry’s and cry into that because nobody cares.

I hate the films that get brought upon us at Valentine’s Day. I’ve only seen the trailer but I can tell you right away Endless Love is the worst film of all time.

I hate being single on Valentine’s Day not because of the whole being alone thing, but because of all those awkward conversations leading up to the big day:  “Are you going to be writing any cards this week?”

Shut up Mum!

I don’t want to sound like a Valentine’s scrooge but people take this day too far, when I thought the whole point in a relationship is to show the one you love how much you care all year round, not just one time in February with a Pandora bracelet…

Rant over, and if anyone is in the same boat as me, fear not; It’s Pancake Day on March 4th.