Spratt Says: Signs you’ve been single for too long…

Spratt SaysHaving been single now for the better part of a year, it’s safe to say I’ve started to get comfortable.

And, while being single certainly has its benefits, like being able to dodge the  mood swings and nagging while making the most of the free time to do whatever the hell you like, it does have drawbacks.

You start to adjust to your single status, and like a job applicant with gaps in their CV, red flags are raised when you finally put yourself back on the market.

Here are five signs you’ve been single too long:

1 . You’ve exhausted all available options on Netflix: Your Saturday nights consist of Pringles, multipacks of dip from Waitrose and episodes of Pokemon and Prison Break in the comfort of your bedroom, instead of going out and actually socialising.

2. Your standards in women plummet: When you actually do go out and socialise, you drink so much you wake up with a dodgy nightclub stamp that requires battery acid to remove, and shame. Slightly overweight shame.

3. Your friends begin to take pity on you: Every one of your coupled up friends begin to either set you up on a blind date (“She’s perfect for you. Honest”) or they invite you on their own dates/double dates, leaving you to sit at the end of the table like the lonely 3rd/5th wheel that you are.

4. Going to a wedding is a soul destroying experience: Spending hundreds of pounds on travel, a new suit and a gift… Netflix, Pringles and dip are all available for under a tenner.

5. You get a cat:  “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.” At some point you’ll buy a pet to love you back, be it a cat, dog or goldfish, but before you go running into a pet shop, know one thing… girls think men who have a cats are weird.



Spratt Says: Wife Material

Spratt SaysAs I reach my mid-twenties it was inevitable that some of my closest friends would eventually grow up long before me; buy a house, have a baby, get married etc. and while I’m over the moon for these friends – despite cutting the best years of their lives short – on a personal level I could never take such a big leap so soon.

I have no intention, at least for the time being, to ever get married but due to the actions of some of the aforementioned friends it got me thinking about what sort of woman it would take to change my mind.

What would I consider the perfect wife material?

As easy as it would be to make a typically sexist “whoever makes a good sandwich” joke right now, I’d like to think I’m better than that, so I’ve put some thought in to it.

Back in 2010 scientists claimed to have found a mathematical formula for the perfect wife, which in a nutshell concluded that a bride should be five years younger than the groom, share the same cultural background and be the more the intelligent of the pair if a marriage is to succeed.

Now with the exception of intelligence, I’ve seen all of the above most mornings on Jeremy Kyle and it’s hard to believe they’re destined to live happily ever after despite the best efforts of Jezza and Graham, so I came to my own conclusion and that is that this survey is utter trollop.

The perfect wife I’d assume should be no different to what a woman would regard as the perfect husband. Marriage is essentially teamwork and therefore both man and wife should have a similar level of intelligence, same interests, equally domesticated and so on.

I don’t think it’s that complicated but it’s not something that is likely to ever interest me, although I understand why some do but who knows, maybe one day I’ll make a woman very happy… and probably miserable the rest of the time.


Spratt Says: The Bucket List

Spratt SaysAs I begin to approach the quarter of a century mark of my lifetime I’ve begun to panic that I’ve done nothing with my life, and it got me thinking;

What can I still do before I’m 30?

So I’ve compiled a bucket list of things that I feel I need to do in the next five or so years:



1. Travel the world

Travel the world

An obvious one really, especially as I rarely venture out of Buxton, let alone the country.

2. Get a career


I have a degree in journalism and I work in a newsagents. The definition of irony.

3. Grow a beard

Grow a beard

Every man should grow a beard at least once. I’ve made many valiant attempts but I want a beard that the cast of Game of Thrones would be proud of.

4. Read every book I own

Read every book I own

I have thousands, most of which I’ve never opened.

5. Get a tattoo

Get a tattoo

Not having a tattoo in 2014 is like having a tattoo in the 1930s. Weird.

6. Buy a house

Buy a house

My own house. Preferably like something from an episode of Cribs.

7. Kill a man

Swim with dolphins

…just kidding, swim with dolphins.

8. Get a blue tick on Twitter and my own Wikipedia page

Get verifiedI’m not sure how yet but I will!

9. Learn to drive

Learn to drive

Always wanted a car but could never a Ford one.

10. Stop making bad puns

Stop making bad punsSorry…

Spratt Says: Single vs. Relationship

Spratt SaysYou know that feeling? When you’re single you want to be in a relationship and when you’re in a relationship you want to be single.

But which is better?

I’ve decided to assemble a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship to see if I can come up with a definitive answer.


Relationship pros:

  • Extra birthday presents
  • Extra Christmas presents
  • Parents stop pestering you about “finding a nice girl”
  • No pressure to pull on a night out
  • Split the costs of meals

Relationship cons:

  • Having to buy extra birthday presents
  • Having to buy extra Christmas presents
  • Valentine’s Day
  • Confined from seeing your friends whenever you want
  • Can’t pull on nights out anymore
  • Less space and duvet cover in bed
  • Parents start pestering about marriage and children
  • Double dates

I really struggled to come up with the pros of a relationship and judging by this list it’s clear to see that I’m happy being single – but these are just my opinions.

Some of you probably enjoy spending time with that special someone on Valentine’s Day, and enjoy cuddles with no bed cover, a dead arm and a face full of hair.

Maybe I’m just a narcissist, maybe it’s because I’m still young but in my opinion there’s just too much pressure on us to find that special someone and end up rushing in to meaningless relationships that move too fast.

Spratt Says: Can men and women ever be just friends?

Spratt SaysCan men and women ever be just friends? Such a topic was recently discussed on Loose Women (only thing on at the time, honest) and the panel were mixed on their answers.

It’s a tough question, and like Carol Vorderman and co found out, it’s hard to come up with a definitive answer.

However, sorry to be the bearer of bad news ladies, but most boys and girls can’t be ‘just friends’.

You know that one male friend you have? The shoulder you cry on when times are tough, the one who you think has no sexual interest in you whatsoever? Well he is a liar, and he has thought about being more than just friends. A lot.

How do I know? Because I’m a man and we’re all the same.

There’s a reason When Harry Met Sally is the best rom-com ever, and that’s because it’s the only one that is even slightly accurate.

Harry was adamant that men and women can’t be just friends because sex is too big an obstacle, Sally was adamant he was wrong.

Well… turns out Harry was right.

I did some research on the matter to back-up my opinion and right away I found a recent survey conducted by the University of Wisconsin.

It asked 88 sets of young male and female friends to rate their attraction to one another – it found that men were more likely to be attracted to female friends than the other way round.

It pretty much means that given half a chance, men would jump at the opportunity to have sex with their female friends. 

This is, however, entirely from a man’s perspective – I have no idea what a woman’s view is on the issue, but I’ve been to that place that can only be referred to as hell on Earth – ‘the friend zone’ – enough times to establish that girls do know how to distance themselves from anything more than friendship if need be.

Men are the problem here.

Unfortunately, we don’t always think with our heads and usually follow another part of our anatomy more often than not – and for that I can only apologise.

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the female perspective on whether men and women can ever be just friends here*

Spratt Says: Valentine’s Day – urgh

kieran sprattI hate Valentine’s Day and there are so very many reasons why:

I hate it because – and to use the old cliché – it’s commercialised rubbish. I’m pretty sure this day was only invented to keep Card Warehouse in business between Christmas and Mother’s Day.

I hate the couples on Valentine’s Day who litter my Facebook news feed with “I have the best boyfriend/girlfriend in the world because he bought me a selection box from Thorntons.”

I hate desperate, single people on Valentine’s Day, who keep bringing up the fact that “they’re all alone again this year”. Do me a favour – go down to Morrisons, buy the biggest tub of Ben and Jerry’s and cry into that because nobody cares.

I hate the films that get brought upon us at Valentine’s Day. I’ve only seen the trailer but I can tell you right away Endless Love is the worst film of all time.

I hate being single on Valentine’s Day not because of the whole being alone thing, but because of all those awkward conversations leading up to the big day:  “Are you going to be writing any cards this week?”

Shut up Mum!

I don’t want to sound like a Valentine’s scrooge but people take this day too far, when I thought the whole point in a relationship is to show the one you love how much you care all year round, not just one time in February with a Pandora bracelet…

Rant over, and if anyone is in the same boat as me, fear not; It’s Pancake Day on March 4th.

Spratt Says: The Worst Kind of Girl

kieran sprattI love nearly everybody; it’s who I am, I always have and always will – it makes life that little bit easier.

However, some people rub me up the wrong way and it’s usually trivial things that most normal people wouldn’t give the time of day to.

I don’t have the time or patience to list everything that annoys me in people so to save time I’ve done a list of the three worst personalities and traits in a woman:


The Instagram model:

Those girls who post an endless stream of selfies using a vast array of filters and think that they’re Kate Moss. Everyone looks good in black and white. YOU’RE NOT A MODEL. Just because your photography student friend is using your face for her portfolio DOES NOT MAKE YOU A MODEL.


The campaigner:

Girls who always seem to be in a relationship and yet always seems to be have a different boyfriend. They’ve seen too many rom-coms and believe in love at first sight and all that; three months later the cycle continues with another lad. Take a break, there’s no rush to find Mr Right.

imageThe bike:

The name pretty much says it all really. It’s the polar opposite of the campaigner but much, much worse. There is nothing more revolting than a girl who’s got about. Clearly they weren’t loved as a child and are making up for it in the worst kind of way. Errgh.



So basically, if you’re not one of the types of girls listed above, I’ll probably like you and we can be friends. Yay!

Spratt Says: Do sporty girls take it too far?

kieran sprattEven though Sporty Spice was everyone’s least favourite member of the Spice Girls, there’s nothing wrong with a girl that likes to take care of her general well-being by eating well and exercising.

But, at the same time there’s nothing attractive about a girl who keeps banging on about the gym either. Unless you’re a professional fitness model or a bodybuilder, there’s no reason for you to think that anyone would care.

There has to be balance.

It’s the same for men too; it’s okay to maybe post a Facebook status here and there saying you’ve just got back from the gym or that you’re knackered etc, but some people go way too far.

I saw this moronic gem the other day:

“Finally experienced what hell is like, that moment when you go to have your protein shake but realise you have no milk and have to use water…. this is what nightmares are made of….”

Really puts war and poverty into perspective doesn’t it?

I’d say that if you count swapping water for milk as one of life’s biggest problems, then you’re probably doing alright for yourself.

If I was with a girl that acted in a similar way to that, I’d have to seriously re-evaluate things because it sounds like I’d be with the most dull woman on the planet.

If I had the choice between a woman who enjoyed McDonalds here and there and some sort of Terminator woman who only drank protein shakes – I’d choose the Big Mac every time.

Spratt Says: The Ideal Woman

kieran sprattWhen I was asked to describe my perfect woman I panicked because at the age of 24, I really haven’t got a clue – I’m still learning.

So, as a compromise I’ve composed a list of celebrities and the traits I like most about them, throwing them all into a pot, in the hope of creating the ‘perfect woman’.

The Zooey Deschanel: 

Because nobody likes boring, and Zooey Deschanel embodies the sort of quirkiness that I love in a girl.

The Jennifer Lawrence: 

There’s a reason why the world loves Jennifer Lawrence and that’s because she is probably the coolest and most down-to-earth actress on the planet. She is also absolutely hilarious.

The Kelly Brook: 

Ridiculously stunning. And that body? Oh. My. Days.

The Michelle Keegan:

The classic girl-next-door that just so happens to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. On an unrelated note, I passionately hate Mark Wright.

Spratt Says

So, if someone was to ask me what I consider a perfect woman to be, it would be something of a combination of the above. No pressure…

Spratt Says: Rom-coms, really?

kieran sprattThe biggest lie a woman can ever tell a man is: “The Notebook is a great film.”

Many hapless men such as myself have been roped into watching this stain on the history of cinema which the vast majority of women I’ve spoken to seem to think, through their Ryan Gosling-tinted glasses, is this generation’s Casablanca. It’s not.

It’s not a macho thing; I’ve got nothing against rom-coms, I just hate seeing the same films recycled time and time again. There is absolutely nothing original about The Notebook and the proof is all here:

From Katharine Hepburn to Katherine Heigl; the traditional rom-com has fallen from grace but, happily dotted amongst the cinematic landscape are a few standouts, like David O. Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook  and the anti-rom-com 500 Days of Summer, but it seems the best rom-coms these days are the ones we didn’t even realise were rom-coms.

Shaun of the Dead is a fantastic example. Think about it, it’s kind of romantic and it’s bloody hilarious. At its core it’s just a film about a man on a mission to win back the love of his life; the zombies are merely an obstacle (a zom-rom-com if you will).  It’s a fresh take on a tired, old formula and it’s infinitely more believable than The Notebook, even mid-apocalypse.

So as Valentine’s Day approaches prepare yourself for a whole host of Pretty Woman knock-offs and remember: as men we’re powerless to prevent ourselves from watching them.

*EDITOR’S NOTE: The Notebook is a great film and all men could do with being a lot more like Noah. Or just Ryan Gosling.*